The Current

Issue date: 3/28/05 Section: Features

The recently renovated Brokaz Park will serve as a low-cost housing facilty for financially-challenged students. The Office of Rotten Life at DUMSL will run Brokaz Park.

Editor's Note: This article and all articles in the March 28, 2005 issue are to be considered parody and not based in fact. They are part of our annual April Fools Edition.

Soon, DUMSL students who receive financial assistance but still cannot afford suitable campus housing will have the opportunity to enjoy the benefits of residential life without the hefty price tag.

The new development, Brokaz Park, is set to prop open its doors next semester.

"We've always gotten complaints about housing being too expensive," Calvin Klein, Rotten Life Overlord, said. "When people started sleeping on the lawn, we decided it was time to accomodate them."

The facility will feature amenities that many student housing complexes lack. All of Brokaz Park is paved with linoleum flooring so that residents can enjoy the slickness in every square inch of their new temporary home.

"Hopefully the Raunchy Assistants, student leaders within the Brokaz community, can use the linoleum to sponsor programs, such as a sewer-water slip and slide event," Shanaynay McReefer, Rotten Life raunchiness coordinator, said.

Rotten Life plans to hire Raunchy Assistants through the local minimum security prison.

"We feel that it's important to support convict work release programs," McReefer said.

Brokaz residents will have the option of choosing between one and two bedroom units, and each unit has a fire pit for cooking and a paper bag for bathroom purposes. Students who wish to live in pre-furnished units can choose between a one bedroom unit with a stained twin mattress on the floor, or a two bedroom with a stack of newspapers in the corner.

Brokaz Park has a premium heating system. The development has compensated for the absence of air conditioning by increasing heating options.

"The new heating systems are great," Klein said. "Students will never be cold again. They can choose from (W) Warm, (H) Hot, (HAH) Hot as Hell and (BYATD) Bake Your Ass to Death."

Students are urged to bring their own cable cords of approximately 100 feet in length.

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